Stream-of-consciousness

lml
In short, the sum of the last week or so. In longer, possibly several years of psychological rambling...
I started off the day today by sleeping through both of my morning classes.
One of the downsides of being able to hide anything if you truly want to is that people will actually see nothing if you don't let it get through.
I occasionally (read, over the last year or so) wonder if I'd test as being clinically depressed.
Don't like the idea that what you think and feel and act like being you isn't how you would be ideally. Who defines ideally? It must be someone's ideal... who's to say you aren't the way you're supposed to be just as you are?
By that train, could anything be considered perfectly natural? Is it what the majority of people are like? But, people are different. The majority in similar life situations? Saw a statistic over the weekend that approx. 50% of students at S. college exhibit one or more of the symptoms of depression.
Feeling of inferiority? That comes out pretty often.
Dissatisfaction with current situation? On occasion? More like, general restlessness.
have I been looking for a psychological disorder for years as an explanation (excuse) for lack of willpower? slight OCD traits, jokes about how many of us show ADD, depression as reason for lack of motivation,
I made the lucky discovery of a random CD at Goodwill this weekend; was music you would play for a night among the stars, similar to the Homeworld soundtrack; the book Contact names the feeling I think I share as numinous. In the moment, it seemed that music, which prompts that emotion, can nullify some of my introspective downward spiraling. Thinking back, it feels like it should have only made it worse. Interesting.
One of the only songs I've connected to in every moody moment I can remember since before starting at RPI (probably since I heard it at the CTY dance/reunion) is Mr. Brightside, by the Killers. not just liking it and using it as distraction, but the feeling of empathy with the speaker. Which is ... odd? I have never been in that situation; at least, I've never been with a girl who left me for another guy.
Yes, Jay is polyamorous; there have been other girls she's admitted mutual attraction to, and gone out with. But, both of them (at least, M; things ended with W before it became more than a potental, I think) I met, and found I could not only get along with, but might have made friendships in other circumstances. And still, I can't connect any feelings of dislike or betrayal or even jealousy with them.
Funny that what everyone seems to think was the most worrisome part of the weekend - getting kicked in the head... my bad - is one of the things that matters the least to me.
Some of the abilities I fear would be considered signs or warnings or symptoms by a diagnosis are things I find I highly value about myself; being able to disconnect from a situation to go along with something, to cloak thoughts and feelings, ...
And, watching Watchmen (especially while introspecting) is :not: a good idea for me, for future reference. all the fun stuff starts surfacing, mild hate of humanity, desire to avenge against rapists, abductors; frustration at injustices not getting unpunished, and the whole works... yeah, it gets fun when it starts resonating...
might it almost be considered inhuman to feel like you can just tell yourself to let everything go and to accept everything
and a phone call, and I'm immediately more stable.

I guess one of the biggest fears is that I'm pushing myself away from being dependent so far that i'll just lose it at some point and snap back...

Another day's worth;
have had the lingering uneasy, unbalanced feeling on and off all week. thought it had gone away by Wed. still comes back now and again.
It's slowly becoming apparent to me that i have a feeling of missing an overall purpose. this is why i hang around friends who are starting projects, paying as much attention as i can to extraneous talk with professors, and such. i'm looking for something to do that actually matters. and i suddenly don't feel like SYWTBAW's Dairine Callahan admitting this, though I don't have a wizardly laptop to guide me to where I can actually do this... but interestingly enough it hasn't yet pushed me down the path of panicking to find a summer job or internship or research project. I can't tell why I'm not onto that yet.
I feel like I do my living in the present, and it hits me slowly that I make few long-term plans for the future. I hear my friends deciding where to go after college, or what company to intern with...
\V/